I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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