Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
