I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
