I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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