My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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