I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
