If that was your dad, he is hot
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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