oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
