On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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