i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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