i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I think I am morally bankrupt
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Girls should come with a carfax report
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
