btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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