My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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