I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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