We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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