Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
