So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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