I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think your dad took our porno
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i black out too much to be "responsible"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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