Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
