You don't have asthma, your pregnant
farters have to be the big spoon...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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