I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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