I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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