mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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