There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
