I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
