totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
