There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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