Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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