I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
