: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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