What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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