First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize