herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
