I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
