Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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