He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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