His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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