ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I came so hard my ears popped.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
