Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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