i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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