I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
