We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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