This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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