Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize