John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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