Kiss
Puke
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
