Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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