I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
