i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
