she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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