Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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