sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
