After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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