Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I hate all girls vehemently.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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