this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
