Cold hands, warm shart.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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