I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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