Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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