I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
