I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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